Amanda Under Construction

The 15 Best Episodes of The Office

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

**INCLUDES THE OFFICE (US) SPOILERS. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS SHOW**

For those of you who don’t know me, The Office is my favorite TV show in the whole world.

I’ve watched it (in total) an absurd amount of times. I know the characters inside and out. The interviews, bloopers, fan made videos, gifs– whatever’s out there, I’ve probably seen it. Don’t test me on The Office, because you will lose.

I’ve compiled a list of what I consider to be the best episodes. I’ve asked a few other superfans like myself for their opinions, but this list is mainly made up of what my favorites are. I tried to make it limited to 10 episodes, but there were just too many that I loved.

In this post, I’ve included a summary of each episode I mention, as well as why I think it’s great. At the end of the post, I’ve added some bonuses, like my favorite cold open, as well as some interviews/commercials related to The Office.

You’ll notice that I don’t include any episodes after Steve Carell leaves the show. This is because I think that his character Michael makes the show what it is, and without him, it’s just not as good.

A lot of people have asked me why I like this show so much. To be honest, I’m not sure. It might be because I crave someone like Jim in my life– a hopeless romantic who is patient, kind, and has a good sense of humor. It might be because I see myself in Pam, and want myself to be more confident and outgoing and less naive and submissive, just like she wants for herself. It might be because I love Jim and Pam’s relationship, and I want something like it for myself. It might be because Dwight as a character is interesting and extreme, yet lovable. It might be because Michael is one of the best (and worst) characters I’ve ever seen on American television. It might be because the cast of this show feels like they’re my family, too.

Whatever the reason, please enjoy what I consider to be the 15 best episodes of The Office.

15. Michael’s Birthday (S 2 Ep. 19)

Summary: It’s Michael’s birthday and he expects everyone in the office to be really excited about it, but they’re more worried about Kevin who is waiting to see whether or not he has skin cancer. Jim and Pam go out on their own to buy stuff to make Kevin feel better. Michael is jealous that everyone is paying attention to Kevin rather than him, but once he finds out why Kevin is so concerned, he takes everyone out ice skating. While ice skating, Michael encounters Carol (his realtor) and Kevin finds out he does not, in fact, have skin cancer, and they celebrate and the office gives Michael and Kevin their gifts.

Why it’s the best: Michael’s “worst birthday ever” stories are hilarious. Also there are a couple of really cute Jim and Pam moments in this episode, like when they go to the supermarket and when they’re ice skating. This episode also speaks really well to Michael’s character (attention seeking and childish, but still a lovable idiot)

14. Ben Franklin (S 3 Ep. 15)

Summary: The office is planning on throwing respective bachelor/bachelorette parties for Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration and Phyllis. Todd Packer convinces Michael to order a stripper for Bob Vance’s party, which Michael puts Dwight and Jim in charge of. They hire a stripper for the bachelor party, and Jim hires a Ben Franklin impersonator as a joke for the bachelorette party. Jim convinces Dwight that the Ben Franklin impersonator is the real Ben Franklin. Karen and Pam tease the Ben Franklin impersonator, and the Ben Franklin impersonator flirts incessantly with Pam. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration refuses a lap dance from the stripper, so Michael volunteers. Michael is overcome with guilt about the lap dance because he thinks of it as cheating on Jan.

Why it’s the best: Because a Ben Franklin impersonator being provided as “adult entertainment” is freakin’ hilarious, and the fact that he is made out to be a creep and the stripper is made out to have a heart of gold is just too good. This episode also shows Pam coming out of her shell a little bit.

13. A Benihana Christmas (S 3 Ep. 10/11)

Summary: Carol and Michael break up because Carol discovers that Michael has cut and pasted a photo of him onto a photo of her kids and her ex husband on vacation. Pam has been leading Dwight to believe that he is being recruited by the CIA, and offers Jim a part in the plan. Jim refuses to participate because he wants to try and get over Pam. Andy, Dwight and Jim take Michael to Benihana’s to try and get over Carol. Andy and Michael pick up two waitresses from Benihana’s and brings them back to the office for the Christmas party. Meanwhile, Angela has kicked Karen off of the Party Planning Committee, so Karen and Pam form their own committee and plan a separate party. Everyone attends Karen and Pam’s party rather than Angela’s. When Michael, Andy, Dwight and Jim return from Benihana’s, they try and celebrate the party, but Michael struggles with telling the waitress he took home apart from the waitress Andy took home. The waitresses leave and the party continues. Jim decides to participate in the joke on Dwight with Pam and sends him on a secret mission for the CIA.

Why it’s the best: Jim and Pam are meant for each other, no matter how hard they try to fight it when they’re in different relationships at different times. The fact that Michael can’t tell his date from Andy’s is hilarious (even though it’s racist), and Pam also continues to come out of her shell and is more confident in this episode.

12. Safety Training (S 3 Ep. 20)

Darryl holds a safety training lesson for the warehouse and the office workers for the warehouse environment, which Michael continually disrupts. When Toby has a safety training lesson for the office environment, which Darryl and his warehouse workers don’t take seriously. Michael is offended by this because Darryl thinks that working in the warehouse is more dangerous than working in the office (which it is) and plans a demonstration to show the risks of depression and suicide that can be caused by working in an office. He makes a plan to jump off of the roof of the office and land on a trampoline/bouncy castle, but Jim and Pam catch him during the demonstration and make him stop. During the day, the rest of the office makes bets on other office members. Andy comes back.

Why it’s the best: One of my favorite lines in the whole series is in this episode: “Dwight, you ignorant slut!”
Despite trivializing mental illness, this episode is one of the funniest and by far one of my favorites.

11. Office Olympics (S 2 Ep. 3)

Summary: Dwight and Michael leave the office for the day to sign papers so Michael can buy a condo. Jim decides to play a bunch of games (Flonkerton, Dunderball, etc.) and gets the rest of the office workers involved. Pam makes medals for the winners out of yogurt lids. When Dwight and Michael return, Jim rewards them with medals, which they don’t understand but accept anyway.

Why it’s the best: One of the best Jim episodes. It really shows his potential, how fun he can be, and also how much Pam is in love with him without knowing it. It’s also a good episode for the office as a whole– working as a team and doing things together.

10. Fun Run (S 4 Ep. 1/2)

Summary: Jim and Pam admit to dating. Michael accidentally hits Meredith with his car on the way to work and fractures her pelvis, and when the entire office goes to visit her Meredith refuses to forgive him. While at the hospital, it is discovered that Meredith could have had rabies, so Michael decides to organize a fundraiser marathon to raise money to cure rabies. Angela accuses Dwight of murdering her cat. No one really takes the race seriously, and Michael gets sick trying to complete the race.

Why it’s the best: Rabies is already cured (?? okay, Michael.) and Michael understands nothing about fun runs– he eats a bunch of fettucini alfredo and drinks no water before the run, and also doesn’t make the run circular… Also Jim and Pam start dating.

9. The Duel (S 5 Ep. 12)

Andy still doesn’t know that Angela and Dwight are having an affair, and everyone else does (including Michael). Before Michael leaves to discuss how successful the Scranton branch is with David Wallace, he tells Andy about the affair. Andy confronts Dwight, and they agree to have a fight in the parking lot over Angela– whoever wins wins Angela, and she agrees to this deal. When Dwight gets to the parking lot, Andy sneaks up on him in his car and they play fight and yell insults at each other. While yelling at each other, Dwight learns that Angela had also been sleeping with Andy, and they give up fighting for Angela.

Why it’s the best: The scene where Michael decides that he is going to tell Andy/tells Andy that Angela has been cheating on him is one of the most uncomfortably delicious scenes in the whole series. The fact that Dwight and Andy actually DUEL over Angela is crazy and dated, but ridiculous and amazing.

8. The Negotiation (S 3 Ep. 18)

Summary: Roy tries to attack Jim for kissing Pam while he (Roy) and Pam were engaged, and Dwight saves him by pepper spraying him in the face. Angela goes around the office and asks everyone for their account of what happened, because she gets weirdly turned on by Dwight’s heroic feat. Pam says that she’s sorry to Jim and that it’s over between her and Roy for good. Roy comes to pick up his last paycheck because he was fired for the incident and he and Pam go out for coffee to talk about their relationship. Darryl tries to ask Michael for a raise, but then discovers that Michael makes less than he does and convinces Michael to go to New York to talk to Jan about getting a raise.

Why it’s the best: The scene where Roy attacks Jim is probably one of the more action-y, dramatic, and exciting scenes in the series. I want to shake Pam in this episode because I just want her to tell Jim how she feels– she came so far by being honest with Roy in the episode prior, she’s literally so close in this one… Also Michael wears a woman’s suit and it’s pretty freaking hilarious.

7. Threat Level Midnight (S 7 Ep. 17)

Summary: Michael has been working on a movie for 11 years– the entire office is casted in it, and it’s written and edited all by Michael (it’s amazing but terrible). When he finally decides to show it in full, Pam warns everyone not to make fun of it. Jim ends up laughing and Holly doesn’t take it seriously either, which Michael gets upset about. He ends up forgiving them and realizes that because it was a group effort and that the office is enjoying it, the movie is a great movie.

Why it’s the best: It’s episode that epitomizes the office as a family rather than a bunch of people that work together. Michael also becomes considerably less childish and takes himself less seriously, which shows how Holly is changing him and making him into a better person.

6. Beach Games (S 3 Ep. 23)

Summary: Michael is asked to interview for a corporate position and write a recommendation for who he wants to take over the branch if he gets it, and he takes that as him already getting the job. The whole office goes to the beach (except for Toby) and Michael takes the day as an opportunity to figure out who he would recommend by a series of trivial competitions. Jim and Karen call in to ask to be considered for the corporate position as well. Andy falls into the lake and Angela ignores his pleas for help. One of the last competitions that Michael has is running across a fire pit, which Pam does without anyone paying attention. She gives a speech about how the rest of the office pretends that she doesn’t exist, and how she misses Jim’s friendship.

Why it’s the best: This, by far, is the best Pam episode in the series. She FINALLY stands up for herself and believes in herself– she is honest and brave, and I have so much respect for her in this episode. It’s kind of all downhill for her from here (in my opinion) but I love her in this episode. GO PAM GO!

5. Diversity Day (S 1 Ep. 2)

Summary: The office is offended by Michael’s racist Chris Rock impression, so someone is brought in to administer a racial diversity seminar. Michael doesn’t like the way it is taught and refuses to sign the waiver stating that he experienced and understood the seminar, so he decides to teach his own. He administers activities like asking his employees to stereotype each other by their ethnicities, and by playing a game based on racial stereotypes.

Why it’s the best: It reflects what the show was supposed to be like originally and what the UK version of the show is like. It’s offensive, not laugh out loud funny, uncomfortable, and a little dark.

4. Goodbye Michael (S 7 Ep. 22)

Summary: Michael has lied to the office, saying that it is his second to last day before he has to move to Colorado with Holly when it is really his last. He plans individual goodbyes for each and every member of the office without them realizing that they are really saying goodbye to him. Andy and Deangelo go on a sales call and almost lose the client because Deangelo is a terrible salesman. Dwight is angry with Michael for not recommending him for the position of manager. Jim discovers that it is Michael’s last day. Michael leaves without getting to say goodbye to Pam, so she races to the airport and says goodbye to him.

Why it’s the best: It’s Michael’s last day, and his sentimentality really effects me. I’ve never NOT cried while watching this episode. Michael makes the show what it is– uncomfortable, realistic, crude, offensive, lovable, amazing. The show is nothing without him.

3. The Injury (S 2 Ep. 12)

Summary: Michael accidentally burns his foot on a George Forman grill. He calls the office and asks people to pick him up. Dwight volunteers, and in his haste to save Michael, crashes into a pole in front of the office. It’s clear that Dwight is really badly injured throughout the episode because he’s nice to everyone (especially Pam). Michael is upset about how the office doesn’t really care about his injured foot and how they care about Dwight more. Jim and Michael take Dwight to the hospital because Michael is Dwight’s emergency contact, and it is revealed that Dwight has a concussion.

Why it’s the best: The fact that Michael burns his foot on a George Forman grill is weird but hilarious. Also, this is a good Dwight and Pam and Dwight and Jim (respectively) friendship episode.

2. Casino Night (S 2 Ep. 22)

Summary: Michael organizes a casino fundraiser and invites both Jan and Carol. Jim and Pam go through band audition tapes for her wedding. Jim reveals that he had been considering transferring to Stanford. At the casino fundraiser, Jim tells Pam that he’s in love with her and she rejects him. They share a kiss.

Why it’s the best: To be honest, this is my favorite episode in the entire series. The only reason it’s not #1 is because other people that I’ve asked voted Stress Relief to be the first. I watch this episode when I’m sad. I watch this episode when I’m bored. I watch this episode when I’m happy. I’ve seen it more than anything I’ve ever watched. I can say each line verbatim.
Jim is so in love with Pam in this episode. It makes my heart hurt because they can’t be together.

1. Stress Relief (S 5 Ep. 14/15)

Summary: (Part One) Dwight is upset that no one paid attention to his fire drill preparation presentations so he seals the doors and creates the illusion of a fire to show the office that fire is a real workplace issue. During the fake fire, Stanley has a heart attack. Dwight is reprimanded for his actions by corporate and Michael. The office is exposed to a CPR information session, but make fun of it and Dwight ends up destroying the CPR dummy. He is again reprimanded by corporate. Michael tries to calm people down with meditation and yoga but comes to understand that he is the reason people are so stressed in the office. Pam’s parents are having a hard time so Pam recruits Jim to talk to her dad.

(Part Two) Michael organizes a comedic roast of himself. Everyone roasts Michael but go too far in their insults and he runs out of the roast. He returns and roasts everyone with one liners. After Jim and Pam’s dad talk, Pam’s dad declares that he’s going to divorce Pam’s mom.

Why it’s the best: This is, by far, the funniest episode of The Office. You have to see it to believe it.

Honorable Mentions:

Chair Model (S 4 Ep. 14)

Summary: After breaking up with Jan, Michael discovers a beautiful chair model in a catalogue. Pam sets him up on a date with her landlady and Michael is completely rude to her. Construction workers take the office workers’ parking spots, so Andy and Kevin talk to the board of the business park to get the parking spots back. Jim reveals that he is planning on proposing to Pam. Dwight helps Michael track down the chair model, finds out she is dead, and dances on her grave with him.

Why it’s the best: I love this episode because it’s my favorite Dwight and Michael friendship episode. The end scene, where they’re dancing on the chair model’s grave singing American Pie represents exactly what Dwight and Michael’s relationship to one another is. I love them so much.

Scott’s Tots (S 6 Ep. 12)

Summary: Michael promised a bunch of high school students that he would pay for their college tuitions because he expected himself to be a billionaire by the time they graduated (but he clearly is not a billionaire). Michael meets them at their high school and they express their gratitude and he has to tell them he can’t keep his promise. Jim tries to make an employee of the month program, and Dwight ruins it and makes Jim out to be corrupt.

Why it’s the best: This episode epitomizes what The Office is. I’ve seen this episode probably the least out of any episode ever in the series– it makes me so uncomfortable and makes me cringe every time I watch it. It’s horrible. Oh, Michael.

Bonuses:

Bonus: Favorite Cold Open
Kevin’s Famous Chili

Bonus: Bloopers
John Krasinski Giggling

Bonus: Did You Know These Guys Auditioned for The Office?
The Office Auditions

Bonus: They Did This When The Office Was Coming to an End and I Almost Died
The Office Emmy’s Skit

Posted in Movies/TV | Tagged Michael Scott, Steve Carell, The Office, writing | Leave a comment

Amanda’s Sophomore Year Reflection

Posted on May 7, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

I was feeling nostalgic and reading over some of the stuff that I wrote last year when I came across my freshman year reflection, which you can read below if you want, but you’re really under no obligation to (it’s under the horizontal line).

If you read it, you can see that I was really focused on home and my relationship between school and home. I think that speaks a lot to my experience my first year. I was so fixated on home and the people at home that I didn’t really give myself a chance to enjoy school. I did have a long distance boyfriend the whole year, so that would be a good reason why I wasn’t fully throwing myself into life at school. I lived in a single dorm room without a lounge on my floor, so that might also be why I didn’t like being away at college. I had a good group of friends but I lost that at the beginning of my second semester. That was pretty much my own fault, but it also left me stranded and alone, so that contributed to why I wasn’t all that fond of my Ithaca College freshman experience.

What I left IC last year with was relief that the year had finally ended and that I could come home, excitement for being home and getting to be with my friends from home, and a tentative hope for my second year. I end my freshman year reflection with a hope that things would be different, that I would make and maintain friends and be happy, be a better person than I was, and take hold of opportunities that came my way.

If you were my friend at college this year, then you know that I had a goal each semester. The goal for my first semester sophomore year was (irritatingly enough, I referred to myself in the third person when I talked about this to people) Amanda makes friends. I wanted to give myself the chance to build relationships with people, because last year I didn’t give myself the chance to do that, and I didn’t give the people here a chance at all.

Last semester, I gave people here at school the opportunity to get to know me, and I let myself be open to getting to know them. I became the happier version of myself and opened myself up to people. I read somewhere that if you fake confidence, you end up being confident anyway. I would say that’s exactly what I did, and that it’s what made me like myself more, and I guess what made other people like me more.

I finished freshman year at college with one or two friends that I could depend on. I am finishing sophomore year with a wonderful group of intelligent, fun, and ridiculous people that have let me spend time with them, get to know them, and that I’ve allowed to get to know me. They accept me for who I am and support me and are there for me, and I try to do the same for them.

I am so appreciative of my friends– because of these people I was able to have fun, hang out, laugh, go to parties, watch movies. I had friends who loved me and made me feel like I was worth something just because they knew me and they still wanted to hang out with me. I have great memories with these people, and I am really excited to come back in the fall and make more memories with them.

10897896_10205910157339150_1052617287835097192_n

I know I included this picture in my birthday post, but I don’t really care– it’s a great picture.

My second semester sophomore year goal, on the other hand, was Amanda is happy, and Amanda is a better version of herself. This goal was/is a lot harder than my first. I decided to help myself, and I’m not afraid to admit it– I decided to go to CAPS, which is the counseling service here on campus. It was my first time doing something like that– as in, actively trying to understand and help myself. My dad is a big advocate for counseling. He thinks that everyone should go, regardless of what has happened to them or the type of person they are, and has been trying to get me to go since I was little. I’ve never wanted to, and the times that he has tried to make me I was so against being there and talking to someone that it didn’t help at all.

Making the decision to go by myself, rather than because my dad wanted me to was so much different, and so much better. Because I was willing to help myself, because I wanted to do this to better understand myself, because I was willing to try, I did.

I think that part of this goal was realizing my self worth.

I tried to refuse to let other people make me unhappy. I tried to not let toxic people into my life. I tried to figure out my limits with people, and be honest with them about how I felt. I tried to get rid of the people in my life who made me feel like I didn’t matter. I figured that I didn’t deserve to be unhappy, and that if I could control what was going on in my life that made me unhappy then I had a chance.

I think that the key word here is that I tried. As cliche as this sounds (and as much as I hate cliches and using cliches) happiness is a journey. I’m never going to be completely 100% happy all the time. There is too much change and too many things that I can’t control for that to happen. But if it’s something that I consistently work on, if I’m positive and try to be the best person that I can be, happiness is something that seems attainable, and that’s good enough.

You might be thinking that I’m talking a lot about this, and that it implies that I wasn’t happy to begin with. But is anyone ever completely satisfied with how they are or how things are? I am constantly wishing for things to be better, and nothing is going to change until I do. I’ve said it before– I am constantly changing, I am discovering new things about myself and other people all the time. I know it will get better.

I wouldn’t say that I achieved this goal– I would say I will always be working on it.

As for new opportunities… I am going home for the summer with an internship (to be announced later on). This coming fall I also have an internship (also to be announced later on). I have a job working in Project Management for ITS at school, I am tutoring kids in creative writing, I am helping to rebrand The Miss Information, and I am the new Vice President/Treasurer of Ithaca College Women in Communications. Not gonna lie– I am pretty proud of myself for working this hard and grabbing at the chance to being a part of all of these great groups and projects and organizations.

I look back on this year, and I like what I see. I gave myself a chance, and I helped myself rather than sit idly by and hope for it to get better like last year. I almost don’t want to go home– I want to live here and work on myself and hang out with my friends. But it’s time.

Goodbye, Ithaca. I’ll see you soon.

Amanda’s Freshman Year Reflection

After (almost) completing my first year at college, I am so glad that I’m going to be able to come home in a week. I’ve learned so much here at Ithaca and I’ve enjoyed my time here, but I really want to go back.

When I came back to Croton after the first stretch of being away at school, (Thanksgiving break, I think) it was really weird. Everything was so different. Like (for example) when I went to go visit the high school, I wasn’t allowed in without checking in and getting a name tag. I felt like I was at the airport, with less security. And then when I would hang out with my friends from home who had gone away to college like me, they all seemed so worldly and different. They seemed a lot happier. They had met so many interesting people and taken so many cool classes and made amazing friends and had great party stories. I felt a little bad that I wasn’t having as great a time as they were, but I liked hearing about what was happening in their lives, because I missed them. Oh, and then since I have my driver’s license and now permanently reside in Ossining, I didn’t walk around Croton as much as I used to because I lived too far away and just drove everywhere for convenience. I used to walk home from school, and then walk around by the river with my friends. But I can’t really do that anymore I guess, since I live so far away.

It wasn’t just little things like that. I felt different. I would look at my sister, and my family, and my friends who are still in high school, and I would feel bad. When you don’t see or talk to someone every day, you grow apart. That stuff is natural. But I felt like I’d grown apart from everything that had been my home my whole life. It made me feel old, and I didn’t like that. I still cared about everyone, but there was a distance between me and everything else that hadn’t been there before, and I didn’t like that at all.

Coming back to Ithaca after that break, I realized that home hadn’t changed, even though it kind of seemed like it did.

It was me.

When you go to college, you get a clean slate. No one knows who you are and you can completely start over. I had a rough summer between high school and college, and I thought I was ready for that fresh start.

I’ve been away to sleep away camp before, but that was when I was younger and a little more naïve. It’s easier to make friends when you’re younger, because you have an easier time trusting people and being yourself around people. When you go to college (at least for me) I thought it was going to be okay. But I was terrified. I was absolutely terrified.

This first year away at school wasn’t the best. It had its ups and downs. I had a tough time making friends this year. I tried. But sometimes it doesn’t work out, and that’s okay.

When you are close to someone and you know them, or you think they know you, they really don’t. You think your best friends know you, but they don’t. You don’t even know who you are. No one knows who you are.

Heck, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to talk to people, or form close and meaningful relationships from scratch. I still don’t. But I’m working on it, and I think that’s great, and I’m proud of myself for that.

Here at IC, I’ve learned that being happy is what is important. I’ve learned that in order to be happy, you have to get rid of all of the negative things going on in your life. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be lonely sometimes. I’ve learned to appreciate good friends, because they are the ones that are there for you when things are awesome and when things are shitty.

I’ve learned that you have to be passionate and throw yourself into things, because these things aren’t going to just come and grab you– you have to go get them yourself. I’ve learned that who you are (to yourself and other people) is whatever you want to be, and that can be hard to figure out sometimes but it’s still possible.
Next year I know is going to be different. I’m going to be different. I’m going to take the stuff I’ve learned this year and have great friends, from Croton and here at school. I’m going to take opportunities I know I want. I’m going to be the best person I can be. I’m going to be happy.

But for right now, I am just ready to come home.
-5/4/2014

Posted in Memories, Things I've Learned in College | Tagged college, Ithaca College, reflection, writing | Leave a comment

The Bravest Thing I Have Ever Done

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

I was 15 and I was in love with a boy.

Those of you who know me probably know who it is, and maybe it’s even too soon to write about this publicly (?) but it’s too late now, I’ve already started typing and the idea of how I want to write this has already kind of formulated in my brain.

He had told me he liked me and he had kissed me, and I kissed him back. I was over the moon– I was so happy I didn’t even know what to do with myself. We had hung out a lot over the past few months but just as friends, and I knew that he knew how I felt, but he had never done anything about it up until that point and I was too scared to try myself. And finally it happened.

I waited. I waited a week for him to ask me to hang out again, because we kind of took turns doing that and it was his turn– but he didn’t text me. He didn’t message me on Facebook, didn’t come up to me at school. I was in my awkward phase of avoiding everything that I didn’t know how to immediately deal with (which I’m still not really over, but that’s besides the point), so we weren’t exactly talking to each other in settings with people.

This was something that I wanted so badly, and his silence terrified me. I was scared of losing him– I would rather have had him as a friend than not at all, but I did want him to want me the same way that I wanted him. So I decided that I wasn’t satisfied with just waiting, I wasn’t okay with not knowing where I stood with him, and that I wanted to do something about it.

I knew that he had a study hall 2nd period. I was in gym at that time, but I had a teacher who didn’t really notice whether or not you left or whether or not you participated most of the time, so I just left and went upstairs to his study hall.

Taking a deep breath, I walked into the classroom full of students, making a beeline straight for him. I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could talk to him for a second. I think he was taken aback because I never talked to him at school, but he followed me out into the hallway.

“What’s up?” he asked.

I looked at him, standing unsuspecting in front of me. I wasn’t really sure how I planned on doing this, but I knew that I wanted to and I knew that I had to do it for myself. I had to be brave. I took a deep breath: “I’m going to try something, okay?” I said nervously. I could feel my palms sweating at my sides. Then I leaned forward and kissed him– just a tiny, perfect peck on the lips, and pulled away quickly.

He was staring at me, his mouth slightly open, his eyes wide. I will never forget the look on his face– he looked like someone had just smacked him. Then I turned and ran.

Maybe running away wasn’t the best thing I could’ve done, but it’s something that I tend to do when I don’t know what to do. In this situation, I literally sprinted down the hallway, shouting “SORRY I’M SORRY” behind me past a few confused people. (Typical Amanda.)

Kissing him was the bravest thing I have ever done. I knew how I felt and I knew that I wanted to do something about it, so I did.

The reason that I’m writing about this now is not because I’m reminiscing, but because I wish I could still make decisions about what I want and how to get what I want like that, and then follow through. I wish I had the courage to admit to myself what needs to happen in order for me to be happy (I don’t mean just in my romantic relationships but with everything else, too) and then just do it.

I find that when I am scared or anxious, it’s because something is going on that involves one of two things: me making a decision, or something I can’t control. Making decisions is hard– they take courage and a certain understanding of yourself and what you want. And then when you’ve figured that out, you have to actually do something about it and that’s even harder. You can sit idly by while stuff happens to you, or you can be what helps along the change.

Something I have to remind myself constantly is that I can’t control other people. I can’t control how other people feel, and most importantly, I can’t control how other people feel about me. It scares me all the time. I hate the idea of people not liking me, so I try really hard to be likable. Sometimes it doesn’t work and I hate that. I hated the idea that this boy would go back and decide on his own that he didn’t like me anymore.

At this point in my life, I am scared about deciding. I am scared of what others think of me, and that I can’t fix myself to be what other people want. I am not brave, and I wish I was.

Posted in Memories | Tagged courage, decision making, writing | Leave a comment

K.

Posted on April 13, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

Victim to Charm

Here’s the second A-Z Challenge guest blogger. Welcome Amanda from Amanda Under Construction!

It’s said in response to long meaningful messages, when the sender isn’t sure of what to say or is annoyed/bothered by the recipient. It’s sent when the sender is indifferent towards the recipient. It’s used when the sender is angry and unwilling to compromise.

We dread it— we’ve said it. It’s “K.,” the infamous single letter text response that implies so much, yet says so little.

What makes that one letter so frustrating?

It suggests that something is wrong, and it has no substance or feeling. It drives the recipient crazy with worry and annoyance, hoping that he/she hasn’t done anything to hurt the sender. It means that the sender doesn’t care about the person they’re sending the “K.” to, that they’re uninterested and unfeeling, and that they just don’t give a shit, which can be really hurtful.

View original post 438 more words

Posted in Things I've Learned in College | Leave a comment

Likes and Dislikes

Posted on April 9, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

Things I Like:

Solving other people’s problems.
Doing things for myself.
Sharpie pens.
Knowing all the words to a song and being able to sing along to the whole thing.
Not dreaming (I tend to sleep better when I don’t dream).
Not having to wear boots every day because it’s warm enough not to.
- Also being able to wear skirts again because it’s warm enough to wear skirts! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
People responding to the things I write.
Let’s Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats.
- Knowing all the words to Let’s Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats.

Things I Dislike:

Solving other people’s problems.
Being confused about what I want/how I feel.
The last 2 seasons of The Office.
Being too lazy to buy new conditioner when I desperately DESPERATELY need more.
People who do mean things on purpose.
People who make me feel like I don’t matter.
Most boys.
This cold rainy weather.

Posted in Likes and Dislikes | Tagged dislikes, likes, lists, writing | Leave a comment

Amanda’s Social Media Sabbatical

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

Everyone needs a break sometimes.

Note: I know I use a lot of parenthesis. I would apologize for that, but that’s how I write, so deal with it.

I love social media. I am a social media FIEND. I have been posting all of my pictures on Facebook since the 9th grade, all of the pictures on my phone/various cameras I’ve owned that I’ve taken of my friends, of places I’ve been, of books I like to read– I post them all up there.

I have thousands and thousands of pictures on Facebook, and I love it. I love it because it’s like a permanent collection of my life over the past couple years, and the people that I have known and still know and what I’ve been up to. I love it because at any point I can go back to 2011 and look back at my prom pictures, or pictures I took with my dance friends from 2009. I can look at messages from my friends and remember inside jokes or stupid fights we’ve had, and just remember. Most people don’t use Facebook in the extreme way that I do, but it really is my life in pictures and my life in text. It shows how I’ve grown as a person for the past six years, since I got an account in 2009.

I’ve had a Twitter account since 2012. I wasn’t always a big Twitter person– I would immaturely subtweet and only follow celebrities that no one cared about (like all of the actors on Degrassi, I’m ashamed to admit), Harry Potter fan accounts, and my dad. I didn’t really understand its purpose, and I hated the fact that I was limited to only 140 characters per tweet.

Now I love Twitter. I use it to post links to articles I find interesting, quotes from conferences I go to, links to pieces I’ve had published, inside jokes with my friends. My Twitter is a small piece of who I am, because it shows what I find interesting and what I like/think is funny.

I’ve considered that having these accounts and being really active on them might have something to do with vanity. You post these things about yourself because you like the attention being so public on the Internet brings. It gives people information that they might not necessarily need about you, but it’s there. You feel wanted, needed, obligated to continue posting because you think that people will care about you and every single little thing that’s going on in your life.

On a less self-deprecating/needy note, something that I like about having social media accounts and using them a lot is that they give me a way of expressing myself and who I am. I can like pages on Facebook or follow Twitter pages that are relevant to my interests, like Audrey Hepburn, publishing, Doctor Who, The Office, etc. I can post things that I like or that I write (like this post, for example). I can post pictures and tweet about the stuff that I do with my friends/the stuff that I do that I’m proud of. And I love that.

I use Facebook and Twitter more than any other social media accounts I have. More than Instagram (I’ve had an account since 2013), LinkedIn (2013), WordPress (2014), and Tumblr (Well, maybe not Tumblr. But I consider Tumblr to be “underground” social media, because not everyone knows my blog or what I post on it. I won’t talk about Tumblr that much in this post. Anyway, I’ve had a Tumblr since 2011.) I almost always have a tab up of one or the other on my computer, and I’m always typing or clicking or Facebook stalking something or other.

(I’m just going to mention this casually– Facebook stalking is nothing to be ashamed of. We all do it. I do it all the time. When I’m talking to my friends about someone they don’t necessarily know, it’s so easy to just pull up their profile on my phone. It sounds creepy, and no one wants to admit that they do it, but we all do. And if you post something on the Internet, anyone can access it. It’s a two-way street. Anyway…)

I’ve had a rough two weeks, which I won’t get into too much detail about. I’ve been going through a lot of changes, and a lot of the things that I’ve been doing have been self-destructive, and that is completely not okay. Facebook and Twitter were exhausting me emotionally, and I felt I couldn’t handle it. So (without warning) I deactivated my Facebook and my Twitter account. Bleep bloop. Gone. (For those who don’t know, “deactivating” doesn’t mean deleting. It just makes your account disappear, as in people can search your name and it’ll be like you won’t exist, until the next time you log in.)

I didn’t know how long I was planning on not having my accounts up, but it was really hard. My friends know that I’m a big social media person, so I got a few texts from people asking me if I was okay (which I was not, so I didn’t know how to respond to those). I didn’t get rid of Tumblr or Instagram, mainly because I couldn’t just do it cold turkey, Instagram I just couldn’t figure out how, and Tumblr is kind of on a different plane of existence than my other social media sites.

It was really hard, at first. I would immediately go on my phone and tap Facebook, only to have it prompt me with the login page. I use Spotify to listen to music, not iTunes, and because Spotify is connected to my Facebook account, I couldn’t listen to music without typing it in to YouTube (that really sucked). I would go on Twitter and once again be stopped because I couldn’t log in. If I would mention someone to my friends they weren’t familiar with, I couldn’t look them up. I wasn’t updated on people’s birthdays, Facebook events, Twitter trends. I couldn’t post pictures or status updates. It was kind of horrible. I felt like I’d lost something, which sounds strange because they’re just websites, but these websites were a part of my life, and now that I didn’t have them anymore I didn’t know what to do.

I got used to not being able to look at my Facebook/Twitter and found that I had a lot more freedom. I had more time to do homework and take naps, which were always interrupted with constant searches and checking up on people. I also had a lot more time to think, about myself and about what I was doing. Although there was a lot of other stuff going on in my life, I wasn’t bothered with the need to immediately check up on people online, and that made a huge difference.

After a week off of Facebook and Twitter, I decided that it was time to come back, whether or not I was okay with it. I logged back in to my accounts and uploaded pictures, Tweeted, replied to notifications and messages, of which I had a surprisingly large amount. It made me feel better to get back, but I kind of ruined it for myself by doing (within the first five minutes of having them back) what I had deleted my accounts for in the first place.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to have my Facebook or my Twitter back. But because I didn’t have them at hand for a week, I’ve gotten used to not constantly checking them, having that stuff on my mind, and letting it bother me/get to me. It’s something that I’m definitely working on and will continue to work on for the future. I may not be completely okay yet… But I just needed a break, and now I’m back.

Posted in Life Lessons | Tagged break, social media, writing | 1 Comment

Goodbye (Until Tomorrow)

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

**THE LAST FIVE YEARS MOVIE/MUSICAL SPOILERS**

I may be late on this bandwagon, but I just watched The Last Five Years with Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan (the movie musical, based on the musical by Jason Robert Brown, who interestingly enough is from Ossining!) for the first time. And after I watched it, I watched it again. And again. And then I put the soundtrack to the movie on my Spotify, because I’m one of those people that doesn’t use iTunes because why pay for music when you can not pay for music? I have a weird obsession with musicals. When the Hairspray movie came out in 2007, I made my dad buy the soundtrack and listen to it over and over in the car, and then I begged him to take me to see the play because I’d memorized all of the lyrics to all of the songs. Same with Mamma Mia. My high school put on Jesus Christ Superstar one year, and Grease and Rent. Most of my friends in high school were musical theater-y people, so I went to see all of the plays and learned a lot of the songs along with them, because they were always singing them all the time. The Into the Woods movie came out a few months ago, and I’m still obsessively listening to the soundtrack. In conclusion, I love musicals.

For those of you who don’t know The Last Five Years, it tells the story of a couple from beginning to end over a period of five years (hence, the name The Last Five Years). The female lead’s (Cathy) story starts off at the end of the relationship, when they’ve just broken up and he’s just moved out of their apartment, and the male lead’s (Jamie) story starts off at the beginning, after they’ve just gone on their first date and are about to sleep together for the first time. It’s a really beautiful story, and the best part about it is that it feels normal, and that makes it so easy to relate to. Cathy is an aspiring but struggling actress, and Jamie is a successful novelist, and they both find love within each other and inspire each other to keep going through hard times. Once Cathy moves to Ohio to find work as an actress, everything goes downhill.

The Last Five Years has a lot of really great songs. When I was listening to the soundtrack, however, I noticed that I was only listening to songs that Kendrick and Jordan sang (respectively, because they almost never sang duets) when their relationship was good and they were both happy. For example, Shiksa Goddess, where Jamie sings about how happy he is to be dating Cathy, who is not a Jewish girl like his mom wants him to date, or Moving Too Fast, where Jamie sings about how happy he is that his book is getting published and how he’s excited he and Cathy are moving in together. There’s also Summer in Ohio, where Cathy has to move to Ohio to find work as an actress and is video chatting with Jamie and telling him how bad her time in Ohio is and how much she misses him, and I Can Do Better Than That, where Cathy and Jamie are driving to visit her parents and she talks about her past relationships and how happy she is with Jamie, and she asks him to move in with her.

My personal favorite is the first half of Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You, (click for link) which is at the end of the movie, and is sung by both Cathy and Jamie. Cathy expresses how happy she is to have found someone like Jamie at the end of their first date, which is how the movie ends with her. That’s why I only like the first half of that song rather than the rest, where Jamie sings about how he’s moving out, how he could never save Cathy from herself, and how much he really tried to love her. It’s bittersweet, really.

What is interesting to me about the soundtrack and my relationship with the soundtrack to The Last Five Years is that even if I wasn’t a part of Cathy and Jamie’s relationship, I subconsciously chose to only listen to the songs Cathy and Jamie sing where everything is fine, and they love each other, they miss each other, they care about each other, and they try to make each other happy and have vested interest in each other. I put my Graduation Goggles* on for a fictional relationship, which makes a lot of sense, but is completely ridiculous. I feel like what people do a lot of the time is they look back on people that aren’t in their life anymore, partners, friends, family members, as being better than they are. I know I do it a lot, and I know I’m doing it now with this musical soundtrack. It’s easy to over-romanticize relationships, it’s easy to miss people when you’ve spent such a large amount of time with them and then all of a sudden they’re not in your life anymore. It’s important to remember when things were good and you were happy.

But happy memories are misleading sometimes, because they make you forget the bad things that happened to get you where you are in this moment. It’s also important to remember that those people aren’t in your life anymore for a reason, and you can’t pick and choose memories because you ended up here, the way that you are now, without that person in your life. In The Last Five Years, Cathy has to move to Ohio to pursue her dream and Jamie cheats on her. It’s not that Cathy and Jamie are happy and will love each other forever and ever, as it feels like they will when I listen to the first half of Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You on repeat. It’s that they had a relationship and good things happened and then bad things happened, and now it’s over. We have to remember that some of the time it’s not “goodbye until tomorrow–” it’s just “goodbye.” P.S. Go watch this movie because it’s amazing.

___

*There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Robin tries to break up with her dog-like (literally dog-like) boyfriend named Scooby, and when she tries to break up with him she forgets all of the reasons she was going to break up with him in the first place. She thinks about the good times they’ve shared together (cue Sarah MacLachlan’s I Will Remember You), and almost doesn’t break up with him. Barney refers to this as having Graduation Goggles, where you look back on a past relationship or a current relationship and you remember all of the good things about it rather than the reason you broke up/are trying to break up with them in the first place.

Posted in Movies/TV | Tagged Anna Kendrick, Graduation Goggles, Jeremy Jordan, movie musicals, musicals, The Last Five Years, writing | Leave a comment

Likes and Dislikes

Posted on February 19, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

Things I Like:

Taking Buzzfeed quizzes.
Granny panties.
Eating peaches that aren’t ripe.
Anything having to do with Audrey Hepburn.
Knowing more about something than someone else.
Feeling confident enough in what I know to argue with someone about something.
People laughing at my jokes.
Hot chocolate with no whip cream.
Writing about things that matter.
Rereading Harry Potter.
The Internet.
Converse sneakers. (low tops, not hi tops)
The way my Fiction I writing teacher talks.
Icicles.

Things I Dislike:

Being wrong.
Being told that I’m wrong.
Also being cold.
Slush.
Group work in class.
Missing my sister.
That one time there was a used tampon in the shower at school.
- The garbage is literally three feet away. Honestly.
When people don’t communicate with me.
When I have a cut on my finger and then use hand sanitizer.
Yelling. Or shouting. Any variation of loud aggressive talking.
Iggy Azalea.
Having to listen to other people complain.
The Lifetime movie Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story.

Posted in Likes and Dislikes | Tagged dislikes, likes, lists, writing | 2 Comments

Amanda’s Celebration of Life (Yes, I know this is a euphemism for a funeral.) (It’s an inside joke that I wasn’t even a part of initially.) (Just laugh and pretend you know what I’m talking about.)

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

Note: A lot of this is unedited. And only the first part above the horizontal line is necessary to read, the rest is for my archives.

Such nerds.

I am 19 going on 20

Amanda is a trendy teen no more!

It’s weird because today is/was my last day of being a teenager. I feel like that’s supposed to be important, but it’s not, really. My roommate Rebecca said once that if Taylor Swift didn’t write a song about it, then it’s an insignificant age. (So basically it only matters if you’re turning 15 or 22.) So turning 20 doesn’t matter. What it feels like is when I was 9 and about to turn 10 and everyone sent me birthday cards that said “Double digits! Wow!” So now I guess I’m double decades.

But I feel like what should matter more isn’t the age that I’m turning but how I grew as a person during the past year, and how I made it to where I am today.

This past year I’ve gone through a lot of stuff. I had my dream internship at a real publishing company (aka Random House), I learned how to navigate the city (a little), I took a lot of classes and learned about myself as a writer, I lost a bunch of people that were really important to me, and I met and got to know a lot of people that are important to me now. It hurt to lose the people that I lost, and most of the time it was my fault. It still hurts when I think about it and look at pictures of these people and know that they have different lives now. But I learned from it, and I learned not to hate myself for my mistakes and accept what happened and try and move on.

I got a lot closer to my step family, and realized how important family is. I never really understood that before, because when I was younger Carly and I didn’t spend a lot of time with our extended family. This past year I got to get to know my brother Eric and my cousins Sarah and Bella a lot better and my aunt Julie, and I spent a lot more time with my sister. Carly and I used to fight all the time, but I think that we’ve learned to appreciate each other a lot more now that we’ve gotten used to me living so far away most of the time. I love Carly. I miss her and my dad all the time. She is one of my best friends, and it took me a long time to understand how important she is to me and how important family is, but now I do.

This year I learned to like where I am at Ithaca. I learned how to make friends, and how to be a happier person. This year I learned what it’s like to be alone, and I learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. This year I decided to surround myself with people who are positive and amazing and who care about me, and grew apart from the people who aren’t any of those things. This year I chose to be happy.

For my birthday this year I had a birthday party. My best friend Meryl drove up from Albany to “surprise” me (aka the surprise didn’t work because I found out about it early on) and I invited the people that I’ve been spending time with at Ithaca to hang out with me and bring food for a celebratory potluck. It wasn’t a real college party. It was at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. My friends bought me a pinata (which they filled with condoms). And the people that mattered and the people that cared showed up and they brought food and we sang and ate cake and talked.

If you are reading this and you don’t know me, something that you should know is that birthdays are my favorite holiday. I love birthdays. I used to say that I loved birthdays because it was a day all about me, and no one could really deny that because it was literally my day. But I think that birthdays aren’t just about me– they’re about me and the people that I care about and that make me happy.

I was looking at my pre-birthday post from last year (scroll down to read it if you want) and I was so unhappy. I missed home, I missed my boyfriend. I didn’t like myself. I didn’t think my birthday was important or special. And that’s because I didn’t try, or even care to try. I didn’t try to make myself happy here because I was so stuck on the things that made me unhappy.

This past Saturday was one of the best birthday parties/birthdays I’ve ever had. Most of the people here that made my experience at IC what it is were there, and they understood how important it was for them to be there for me and they showed up, which says a lot. What my friends at IC show me and what they mean to me are that they are the people that care. They are the people who are there for me when I’m sad, who make me laugh and who make me happy. They make me and my birthday feel important and special. They show how much I’ve changed this year, how I choose to feel and be the way that I am, and how there are so many good things to come and look forward to.

Here’s to another year. Happy birthday to me!

I am 16 going on 17

I am so grateful to have such amazing friends…

A few weeks ago, I asked my dad if I could have a birthday party and he said yes. So I started planning it and made a thread with all of my friends, and started talking to all of them about it. And then when we got the place we were gonna have it at, my dad couldn’t afford it because it was too expensive, so I canceled the party.

I was really upset, because birthday parties and birthdays are so much fun, and even if the birthday/party is about the person it’s for, I always thought of it as a collective thing, where the party and the birthday is there to put smiles on people’s faces and make them happy, for themselves and others.

And then my birthday actually happened, on the actual day, and my best friend Sarah and my friends from dance Annie and Cara let me sleepover and they did my makeup and hair and we took pictures and dressed up and watched The Adjustment Bureau and it was really wonderful, and we all fell asleep tired and happy and it was really fun. And I considered that my birthday party, and I really loved it.

My friend Max invited me, about 2 weeks ago, to a poetry reading of his at the Peekskill Coffee House. Not having anything else to do and sincerely interested, and getting a ride from my friend Jamie, I agreed to go and I was really excited about it. I got a black beret and I was legitimately prepared to snap my fingers till they were really tired 🙂 WHOO POETRY CHYEAH

And then, last night, when the poetry reading was supposed to be, my friend Jamie picked me up and I was wearing my black beret and a nice shirt and with a huge smile on my face and I wouldn’t stop talking about what had happened that day and how excited I was for break and how I hate certain freshman for stealing my phone and just other stories, and I was so hyped up because I had actually eaten a really large quantity of food, and then I walked up to the door at Max’s because that’s where we were picking him up, and then..

SURPRISE!

A kajillion smiling faces were all staring and me and at first I didn’t know how to react so I just sort of tried to open the door and run away because I am just not good at handling surprises but then Jamie pulled me back in and I was like crying I was so happy.

It was really wonderful. They had all kept it a secret from me for a little less than a month while planning it, and I had no idea how they’d done that… I can keep other people’s secrets, but I definitely CANNOT keep my own. When I’d gone back into the condo at my dad’s to grab something, my dad had apparently leaned in Jamie’s car’s window and said, “She’s blind as a bat. She’s no idea what’s going on.” I had hung out with Shane on Monday, and he’d known and he hadn’t told me. Sarah had known and I’d spent all that time with her at dance… And all my friends had known and they hadn’t told me during school or anything. Alli and Mel and Sarah and all of these people had ACTUALLY ASKED ME during school that day, “What are you doing tonight?” And I’d told them I was going to a poetry reading, because I legitimately thought I was going to go to a poetry reading.

The rest of the night was really amazing. We danced to music I didn’t know, we ate so much food (I actually almost threw up because of it) including cheesecake and stuffed artichokes, which are my favorite foods in the whole world, opened many Audrey Hepburn themed presents, and cuddled and just so much hugging…

They made me feel so happy and full of love and I could never have asked for more amazing people to be my friends. They are so wonderful.

Thank you so much, you guys.

I am 17 going on 18

well, here i am. i’m gonna be 18 in about 2 hours. pretty exciting. i guess. now if i do illegal things i can actually be incarcerated for them! whoo hoo!

i don’t really know how i feel about this. not specifically the incarceration thing that i just said, but more of that i will be a legal adult. i’m going to be responsible for more things, technically. maybe my dad will treat me the same. my mother absolutely will not. she’ll say things like “you’re an adult now, so act like one.” and then she’ll try to provoke me into being awful to her as she would normally do except if i do yell at her back then i am actually legally responsible for what i do and say. and then she can kick me out of the house again and i can actually be gone.

i don’t know if this will make me a more independent person. i think it will because i’ll be forced to, not because i want to or am comfortable with it. i thought i should just say that because i am really dependent on my family and my friends for mostly everything, so i am still unsure as to how that’s going to change. i don’t even know if i’m going to take on more responsibilities because i’m 18.

i still can’t drive.

maybe i’ll even have a false attitude about being 18, i’ll strut around and be like “yeah amanda’s an adult, watch out b!+ch3$ #yolo” except that would never happen. maybe a little bit of false confidence because i would be an adult. technically, right? except that’s hypocritical because technically changing my attitude to act like that and to be what is to me, an adult, is actually immature and childish.

i think that i might miss being 17, but maybe i won’t. because getting older signifies growing up and moving on, and when enough time already passes and i’m off to college i’ll be happy that i’m older for that, right? did that sentence even make sense?

at this point i still don’t know how i feel about being 18. i’m still a teenager. that’s all that really matters.

happy almost birthday to me.

I am 18 going on 19

Being 18 is significant. You can vote! You can buy cigarettes! Lotto tickets! Get a tattoo and get a piercing by yourself! You’re an adult!

I have not participated in any of the above, except get my top 4 piercings, but that was on my actual 18th birthday.

I feel like this was a pretty good year. Shane. My first real internship. Went away to college as a freshman. Made new friends. Got published. Got closer to my family. I’ve been working on not being a gossip, and having less drama in my life. And I’ve been happier. I’ve been really really happy.

I know that I do these things every year, like my last thoughts on being an age. But these next birthdays are sort of the insignificant birthdays, right? 19 is my last year as a teenager, and then 21 is important I guess because then I can drink legally. And then 30 is going to suck, because that means that I’m just old.

I love birthdays. I always say that birthdays are the best days. They’re a celebration of you. I get so excited that people think I had about 10 cups of coffee.

These past few days I’ve been really excited. But when I got back to my dorm room tonight I just got sad. This is my first birthday away from home. Tomorrow I probably won’t even do anything to celebrate, except wear the nice outfit that I already picked out and do my hair in a nicer way. I just feel like I’ve had all of this anticipation for nothing. 19 isn’t an important age. This isn’t an important birthday. It’s just another day.

I guess that this is one of the sadder before-my-birthday posts that I’ve had.

I just feel indifferent and sad about it now.

There’s an hour and 10 minutes to my birthday and I just feel sad.

😦

Posted in Memories | Tagged birthday, celebration, writing | 4 Comments

Girls Aren’t Good At Math

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Amanda Livingston

My sister and I are different in a few major ways. She has a rounder face than I do and thicker hair, and she has a small Filipino nose where I have a longer one. My sister is more independent, while I am more reliant on others for help. And I also tend to do better in school while Carly has always had an easier time being social and making friends.

I am the older kid in our small family, so I had to deal with my crazed mother and how she thought that doing well in school was more important than anything else. Even though I resisted and tried to make time for other things, she drilled this idea into my head that if I didn’t get good grades then I was a failure and that I was stupid, and what was the point of my existence if I only got a 98% on something when I could have gotten 100%?

I started to see that my mom was too over the top about that sort of thing and took her a lot less seriously as time went on, which made Carly take my mom less seriously too. Maybe that’s why school and grades mean a little bit less to her than they do to me– and in that way, she’s lucky. She has had a chance to find other things that make her happy, like her friends and dance and singing and her job. She has had a chance to figure things out on her own.

I’m not saying that Carly isn’t smart. She is one of the smartest people I know. She does really well in school. When we go out to eat, she always figures out how we’re going to pay because she can handle money much better than I can. She has had her own bank account since she was 14 or 15. She knows more about makeup and style than I ever will. She can play the violin and dance. And she can sing like no one else can.

There was one time last summer that my dad, Carly, a female friend and I went out to dinner. Carly was talking about math and how she didn’t think that she was that great at it. I was arguing with her about how that probably wasn’t that true, and my dad was attempting to lecture her about how it didn’t matter how she did as long as she did her best (or something like that, my dad tends to lecture along those lines). And then our friend said to her: “It’s fine, you know girls aren’t really that great at math, anyway.”

I immediately retorted by saying that she shouldn’t say things that, because it’s not true. And then I went on to explain why.

I HATE math. It was the bane of my existence in high school. I wasn’t bad at it, it just wasn’t my thing. But I knew that there were a lot of girls in my high school who really liked physics and algebra and calc, and who were good at it. I know girls who went to really great colleges and decided to major in biochemical engineering and mechanical engineering and environmental science and mathematics. I know girls who have gotten scholarships because of things they’ve invented and programs they’ve coded. I know girls who are confident in their abilities to do math and science.

I attended a communications conference last year, and the keynote speaker was this woman named Reshma Saujani who founded a program called Girls Who Code. Although I couldn’t really relate to her speech because my interests are literally the opposite of what she was talking about, what she was saying was really important. One of the things that she emphasized in her speech was that girls, from a very young age, are discouraged from excelling in math and science. It is a cultural stereotype instilled in the minds of girls that they shouldn’t try because they are too delicate and not smart enough or strong-willed to enjoy math or science, which is just awful. The purpose of Girls Who Code is to teach young girls about coding and encourage them to follow career paths in math and science, which is exactly the opposite of what society teaches girls to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP3cyRRAfX0

This Verizon commercial accurately depicts how girls aren’t encouraged to pursue math and the sciences from a very young age.

While my mom was forcing me to push myself and do well in all of my classes at school, little girls’ were being told that they just weren’t good at the things and encouraged to not even try. I am privileged in that way, I suppose, because I had someone that motivated me as a young woman to try my hardest and excel in everything that I did. I never realized how lucky I was in that respect.

Something that I realized was that our friend honestly believed that girls aren’t good at math. She wasn’t malicious in her intent. She was offering what she knew about girls and about math to the conversation, hoping to make Carly feel better about herself because she was like all other girls, and the stereotype for girls is that they aren’t good at math. And that is something that needs to change.

A big difference between me and my sister is that my sister had a choice. My dad has always wanted us to do our best, and he has been kind in his encouragement. My mom took a more extreme approach, but my sister didn’t really care as much. She had my mom’s standard to live up to in school, and then she had her own standard for her life, which includes being happy with herself. Carly had a choice, where a lot of girls don’t.

Posted in Feminism | Tagged family, gender stereotypes, writing | Leave a comment

Amanda Under Construction

The 15 Best Episodes of The Office

Amanda’s Sophomore Year Reflection

The Bravest Thing I Have Ever Done

K.

Likes and Dislikes

Goodbye (Until Tomorrow)

Likes and Dislikes

Amanda’s Celebration of Life (Yes, I know this is a euphemism for a funeral.) (It’s an inside joke that I wasn’t even a part of initially.) (Just laugh and pretend you know what I’m talking about.)

Girls Aren’t Good At Math

Follow Amanda Under Construction via e-mail!

Archive

Follow me on Instagram!

Sometimes I’m funny. Follow me on Twitter.

Blogs You Should Follow