Amanda Runs Away

I’ve written before (not necessarily here but for other places/myself) about how when I don’t want to deal with things I run away.

It happens a lot when I’m friends with someone and we get into a fight, or I don’t understand exactly what they’re saying and there’s miscommunication, or I don’t like what they’re saying. So I just kind of give up and walk away. I don’t want to deal with it, so I just run away. I don’t try to fix it, I just run away.

I literally run away from my problems. I’m crazy. I’m a crazy person.

One of the better stories (I’m talking about one of the times that I’ve done this) I have of this is from the 11th grade. I was really in love with this boy, I’m sure that those who know me and are reading this can guess who it is, and I was confused as to whether or not he liked me back because he was giving me mixed signals, like kissing me and then all of a sudden not talking to me for a week. I was so stressed out about it, and I was scared of losing him, so I decided to do something really brave, something that I’d never done before.

I knew that he had study hall at a certain time, so I asked him if he would just come into the hallway for a second so I could talk to him about something, which he did. And I told him that I was just going to try something, to which he tentatively said “okay…” And then I took a deep breath and kissed him.

Just a peck.

And ran away.

It was one of the bravest (and one of the most cowardly) things I’ve ever done.

I found out later that day that the reason he didn’t like me, or was trying to pursue me, was because he was actually dating one of my friends that I hadn’t talked to in a while from the town over. Which had developed over the week that he hadn’t talked to me, which he hadn’t told me, and which was so horrifically embarrassing… So I ignored him for a really long time.

It broke my heart. It broke my heart because I put myself out there and I tried something that I knew that I would never do, and I failed. I was a failure. I couldn’t face him, so I just pretended that he didn’t exist. It was much easier. But all the more awful because I still cared about him so much. I ended up in a relationship with him, but because I kept running away from him about things like this (similar situations kept happening where I wanted him but he didn’t want me back) it made everything different.

It changed what he thought of me, and what our relationship could have been. We could have been friends in between, but because of how I act and because I ran away and ignored him, we couldn’t. It’s my fault.

I’m always scared that I’m going to do this to people, or that they will get to know me too well and I’ll like them too much, and when some problem comes up between us I’ll run away and never talk to them again, just like what happened with this kid. I’ve done this to so many people in my life, and really important people, too. And it’s awful. And it makes me hate myself.

When I misunderstand people, or ruin relationships by doing this, a lot of people (not necessarily the people that I do this to, but a lot of people) get really angry with me. I did it to my mother, for example. But my mother is a special case.

A lot of people do get angry with me. They don’t understand why I act the way I do or why I do this. They think that I’m just being ignorant and that I don’t want to listen, which I guess is true. They think that I can help being this way. But I can’t.

I physically can’t make myself try and forgive that person. I’m not being dramatic– I’m being truthful. I have to ignore them. I have to make it like they don’t exist.

Cutting people out of my life is easier and less painful than keeping them with the constant reminder of what they did or what happened. And I’ve gotten so used to this way of cutting people out that it’s becoming easier and easier for me to do it, which is awful and hurtful to the people I do it to and the people I love. And it makes me not want to know people or get close to them. I want everything to be perfect, and I want them to like me. So I pretend like everything is okay and that I’m happy because I’m scared of what I might do if it’s not.

I don’t know why I’m writing this today of all days, but I think that it needed to be written, or I needed to expand on it. I feel the need to explain myself all the time, and figure out why I am the way that I am. I want people to understand, so that they can forgive me for being like this.

Sorry that I’m crazy and that I do this.

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