I’m never going back… THE PAST IS IN THE PAAAAAAAAAAST

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my friend Vivian on the phone. I was going through some stuff, not necessarily heavy stuff, but it was some type of normal college problem that I was complaining about to her. Probably about boys, or that I was lonely, or that I had a truckload of homework hanging over my head that I did not plan on doing. (It’s more likely than not that it was about boys. But that’s besides the point.)

When I was telling her this story, she started laughing at me. And for a second there, I was pretty confused because, I mean, this was my life we were talking about and it was all serious to me. It directly affected how I went about on a day-to-day basis, and had to do with whether or not I was happy, and on top of that it was a ridiculously dramatic situation and anything could change and it could get a lot better or a lot worse for me.

But Viv laughed anyway.

We actually talked about this, and came to a conclusion: since I was speaking to her as an outsider that had no part in whatever I was complaining about, it seemed funny to her because it had nothing to do with her. And in a few weeks, it would seem funny to me too because it would probably all be over and I wouldn’t be worrying about it anymore.

Thinking about it now, as in the few weeks since that happened, I find that thing that happened that I was complaining about hysterically funny. I’ve actually told the story to a bunch of people and they find it equally hilarious, because that’s what it is. At the time, it was serious and unfortunate and awful, but now it’s just funny because it doesn’t really matter anymore. It doesn’t matter at all.

There’s a bunch of stuff that I’ve done in the past that are so embarrassingly terrible or just plain bad, that whenever I think about them I cringe. But they don’t matter anymore– or at least, they shouldn’t matter anymore.

The point about these shitty things that have happened to me is that they happened and they’re done, and aren’t happening anymore. What I can do about them is move on and get past them and learn from them…

A lot of the time I do understand that there are certain things that I shouldn’t do, like ignore people or walk away from things that I don’t want to deal with, but I keep doing those things. I’m trying to change, but it’s hard to get over whatever happened without the constant reminder that I had to change because of it. It’s something that I’m trying to work on, and still need a lot of work on. But the point is that I am willing and understand that something needs to happen in order for me to get better.

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