Amanda Under Construction

When I was younger I used to wish that a book existed with all of the mean things that people have said about me behind my back.

I imagined the pages to be filled with things like: “Amanda’s so annoying,”She talks way too much,” “She’s so quiet it makes me uncomfortable,” “Her nose is too big,” “I don’t want to eat lunch with her anymore,” “She’s gained so much weight,” “She’s horrible at dancing,” “She’s so dumb,” “She’s so awkward,” “She doesn’t give a shit about other people,” “Her mom is crazy so she must be too,” “Why does she even try to be friends with us?” “She lies all the time and I’m tired of it,” “I don’t want to deal with her family shit,” “Why does she get so upset all the time?” “Amanda needs to learn to grow up,” “Why is she such a bitch?” “Amanda is so fake,” “She’s so passive about everything,” “There’s nothing more to her,” “She’s a horrible friend,” “Amanda is so selfish,” “Amanda is such a gossip,” “Amanda isn’t there for me and I’m there for her all the time,” “She can’t think for herself,” “Thirsty bitch,” “She won’t leave me alone,” “Amanda needs to mind her own business,” “She needs to stop running away from people,” “I hate her,” “Amanda needs to stop talking about _____ because it’s so annoying,” “She’s crazy because __________,” “Amanda is crazy because she does ________,” “Amanda is crazy,” “Amanda is crazy,” “Amanda is crazy.”

I would think about this book and all of the things written in it, and how it would get longer and longer as I made friends and lost friends and maintained friendships as time went on. These things would be the worst things I would think about myself.

Some of them are true. Fuck it, all of them might be true. It is the worst when I think about how people think these things every time they talk to me or I hang out with them, so I become exceedingly shy or so enthusiastically and unrealistically nice that it’s almost like I’m forcing them to like me.

The whole point of this “Burn Book”-type list is that all of these things are what I am/was insecure about. I so badly want people to like me and to be friends with me, and I so badly want people to accept me, that I focus on all of these bad things and focus on fixing them, and that makes me become less of who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore because all I do is spend my time trying to fix what people don’t like about me, or what I don’t think people like about me. I’m Amanda Under Construction, and I have been my whole life.

It has almost gotten worse in college, and that’s because I have felt so unstable without a solid friend group at Ithaca that I needed to make people like me.

Yes, I do have friends at school. These people don’t know who I am, but who I am trying to be. In high school I was a terrible person– I was a gossip and I was mean and aggressive and didn’t treat my friends like they should have been treated. And I am so scared that I am going to go back to being that person that I have made ridiculous attempts to become the opposite.

What I’m typing right now is really self-destructive. I’ve been in an awful mood all night, and it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic and I have low self-esteem right now. I think that what I needed was to write something about it, so that’s what this is.

I dated a boy once who said his favorite thing about me was that I was “genuine.” It confused me so much, because I didn’t know what was “genuine” about me at all. I didn’t know who I was, and I still don’t know who I am, so how can I act genuinely when each time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what I see and I hate who I am and keep trying to change and fix myself? If I was genuine at one point, I am definitely not anymore.

This is just beat down on Amanda night. Sorry, Internet. I am under construction. I will try to write about more positive topics in the future. But right now I’m just down on myself.

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2 Responses to Amanda Under Construction

  1. danny says:

    outstanding !!

    Like

  2. Viv Carroll says:

    Hey friend, but there is a book written with all of the amazing things about you: “Amanda’s so amazing,”She talks about the most diverse and interesting things,” “She’s quite humble,” “Her nose is beautifully jewish,” “I always try to eat lunch with her because she is interesting and exciting to talk to and hang out with,” “She’s tall and takes after the look of Audrey Hepburn,” “She’s wonderful at dancing,” “She’s so intelligent,” “She can be awkward in an endearing way,” “She cares SO MUCH about people-especially her friends and family,” “Her mom is crazy but she has learned from her and has become a stronger person,” “Why is she so spectacular and cares so much about me?” “She is such an honest and trustworthy girl,” “I want to listen and care about all of her family shit,” “She is sensitive and passionate about the people she loves” “Amanda is still and will always be growing (because all people do that),” “Why is she so cool?” “Amanda is SO REAL,” “She’s is self aware,” “There’s SO MUCH to her,” “She’s the best friend you could ever have,” “Amanda is so selfless,” “Amanda is caring,” “Amanda is always there for me and I’m there for her all the time,” “She can think and explain herself ,” “Thirsty for cold apple juice because its the best!,” “She hangs out with me whenever we want to,” “Amanda helps me with whatever business I’m struggling with,” “She is good at fixing her own problems when she is confident and ready-and I think that shows how strong she is,” “I love her,” “Amanda needs to start talking about how cool she is because it’s so true,” “She’s crazy because she is so similar to me #twins,” “Amanda is crazy because she works really hard and it is so impressive,” “Amanda is amazing,” “Amanda is wonderful,” “Amanda is spectacular.”

    Like

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