I haven’t written a personal post on here in a very long time. But I’d like to say a few things about this year and who I am because of 2018.
2018 has been such a weird year. 2018 was The Year That Would Never End.
This year (after my summer internship ended), I spent two months not working. When I wasn’t applying to jobs and interviewing and doing homework for grad school, I was lying face down in my bed next to a jar of peanut butter that I was eating out of with a plastic knife, bemoaning my life (just to give you guys the visual).
This year, I got my heart broken. I’ve had a difficult time trusting people. I spent a lot of time being angry. I had to see and interact with my mother in person for the first time in a really long time, and had to face and quantify a lot of what she’s done and continues to do. Going back to Westchester became painful for me. One of my best friends moved across the country. I lost people who were really important.
BUT! (This is a big “but,” so it gets its own exclamation point/sentence fragment even though that’s not technically correct) This year, I got my dream internship. I moved to Brooklyn, which I’ve always wanted to do. I got my FIRST REAL JOB (with a 401(k)!). I won an incredible scholarship. I made amazing friends and became closer with a lot of amazing people. I reconnected with people who have/do matter a lot. My brother got married and I went to my very first wedding ever with some of my best friends. I continued my graduate program while I was interning/working. I took the best class I’ve ever taken and probably will ever take (Children’s Book Publishing. I mean, c’mon). I saw Panic! at the Disco at Madison Square Garden. I met Lin-Manuel Miranda and Rupi Kaur and former President Bill Clinton and Sarah Jessica Parker and Halle Berry and Michelle Wolf and Nelly from The Office. I read great books and saw great movies and went to great concerts. I spent a lot of time with people I love and who love me back. I learned about writing for public relations. I learned about writing social media copy for different companies. I learned I’m actually kind of good at that stuff (who knew?). According to Spotify, I listened to the Hamilton soundtrack for a total of 65 hours (And I just got into Hamilton in August… You see my problem).
This year, I wrote a LOT. (You’ll see.)
This year, I learned about the power of words… about the power of the Internet and the power of the connection that you can share with people through what you write and put out there (as long as what you put out there is genuine and real).
I learned I need to have more patience with myself and with other people. I learned it’s easier to believe in yourself when other people believe in you, too. I learned that I have a lot of love to give, but that I need to be careful who I give it to.
I learned that in order to grow, I have to be kind to myself. I have to remind myself of who I am and what I want and where I want to be, to be all of that and get there. This year I learned (after 10 internships lmao) I was ready for a real adult job.
I learned about letting go and forgiving people for their actions and how they treated me, and accepting apologies, and accepting people who are sorry who have hurt me in the past. I learned that letting go is really hard, and I learned how liberating it feels to finally be able to do it. I think (sometimes, depending) anger is wasted energy.
Because I also learned it’s okay to be angry when people hurt you. This year, I learned what it feels like to be really angry. I learned that some people never change, even though they like to think that they have/do to feel better about themselves. I learned people don’t like admitting they’re wrong. I learned that, with some people, I deserved a lot better than what I was being given.
Sometimes I wonder when I’ll be the age where I look at everything in my life and take it all in and be able to retroactively see how I changed, why something might have happened the way it did…
I’m 23, and I don’t think I’m old enough to be able to look at my life like that, in a big-picture sense. I can look at it and reflect and try to understand in small ways. For example, this blog post. For example, writing in general. Every day is a lesson in growing and learning about myself. I’m Amanda under construction, and I always have been, and I think I always will be.
2019, please be kind– I really need you to be.